Christmas News Letter Parodies -
Tom Shumaker Copes with His DUI

[Ed. Note - I don't have the space for the pictures Tom had in his original. I've tried to describe them. Ted.]

Holiday Greetings to all our Dear Friends!!

Tom here! Wow!! 2002 has shaped up to be one of those years for the Shumaker family. So much has happened that it’s hard to know where to begin. First, there was that business with the IRS; then the trial, wherein a co-worker’s husband accused me of adultery, followed by my third arrest for DUI. And all that happened before June!!

[Fuzzy photo of Tom]

Naturally, Holly no longer wishes to speak to me and who can blame her? But things haven’t gone too well for her either, I might add. Her long tenure with the Baltimore Co. PTA came to an end when she was accused of borrowing budget funds to play the slots in Delaware ("I just took the loose change!"). She’s persona non grata as a substitute teacher now, too, although she’s occasionally booked at the Dundalk Reform School and Rehabilitation Center.

[Photo of Holly in bathrobe, talking on phone, back to camera]

We’re both still involved in a number of Associations: I’m a member of Al-Anon, Nar-Anon (and several other societies ending in "Anon") and Abstinence is Good!! (An outpatient therapy group for Sex Obsession: Addiction, Treatment and Recovery), among others. Holly remains active in Gamblers Anonymous, Spouses Fight Back ("Don’t let him treat you like a door mat! Cheat on him, too!!") and the Society of Housewives Who Work From Home (Envelope Stuffing committee), among others. We’ve thought of going to Family Counseling together, but with all the dues we’re already paying, we can’t afford it!!

Speaking of work, that’s been a strange experience, too. After years as a Sales Manager, I was removed from that position because the Company was concerned that I wasn’t selling anything. Since I couldn’t provide any substantive proof to the contrary, I was given a new position as Director of Sales Communications in a Departmental Reorganization.

When I told everyone about this, they thought I had been promoted (thanks to those of you who sent cards, best wishes and gifts . . . you know who you are!!) Well, to tell you the truth, I was never sure if I’d been promoted or not. However, last Friday, I was introduced to my new supervisor (it’s my Secretary), so I guess I didn’t do as well as I had hoped.

[Photo of inflatable snow man]

And our Home remodeling project got somewhat sidetracked. When we went to put the new tub into the kid’s bathroom, the rotted floor gave way and everything fell down to the first floor. Now, kids and guests have to shower in the living room. We’ll get the Front and Rear doors reinstalled as soon as the termite and wood beetle infestations have been cleared up!

With all this going on, our oldest son Nicholas has left home and moved to Hollywood. Signed by the William Morris Agency, and now with a new stage name (NICK RYAN), Nicholas is under contract to appear in the next Britney Spears film entitled "The Battle of Midriff" to be produced and released by New Line Cinema. He’ll sing on her new album, too. After that, it’s off to Europe for a 6 month tour, performing with N*Sync (he’s their new lead singer, replacing Justin Timberlake).

[Studio photo of a smarmy "Boy Band" member from 1990 or so]

Kelly, on the other hand, being a minor, can’t leave home to avoid the embarrassment. He’s trapped here, whether he likes it or not. So he insists on appearing in public just like Michael Jackson’s children . . . hooded and unrecognizable. He says he does it so people won’t know that he’s our son. Otherwise, he’s doing OK . . . nothing great. He lost First Chair in the Symphonic Band when he goosed the instructor with his flute and was suspended from the wrestling team for a few days when he pulled a groin muscle (someone else’s!)

[Photo of adolescent boy, bare-chested, arms crossed, Santa hat pulled over his eyes, radiating disgust.]

Despite all this, we feel we have much to be thankful for - we haven’t come down with Tuberculosis or Hepatitis B yet, for example. We’ll all be better off in 2003, when the Witness Protection Program kicks in and we assume new identities and relocate to parts unknown!! Maybe you’ll be as lucky!!

ANYWAY, BEST WISHES FOR A WONDERFUL HOLIDAY and A VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Tom, Holly and Kelly

For a Nick Ryan Autograph, please send $35 and an SASE to POB 28856, LA, CA 98022