O'Brien WikiLeaks

We at WikiLeaks pride ourselves on exposing corporate cover-ups and government secrets. During this holiday season, we turn our attention to the greatest fiction invented by mankind. Yes, we target that annual international conspiracy - the Family Christmas Card. In an effort to shatter the illusion of "the perfect family", we intercepted The O'Brien Family Christmas Card and replaced it with excerpts from documents we obtained over the course of 2010.

"Mr. and Mrs. O'Brien, As your Insurance agent, I regret to inform you that my company can no longer afford to provide you with auto insurance. My records indicate that you have been involved in eight collisions over the past 12 months. The fact that six of these accidents involved backing your car out of your own driveway does not diminish my concern for your continued automotive safety (see Tiger Woods). I had high hopes that the purchase of the Honda Odyssey with a rear camera marked a turning point for you. I was deeply disappointed that within a month you had, once again, backed into your cleaning lady's station wagon. The insurance industry had to choose between covering your body work and paying for the Gulf Oil Spill cleanup. You lost."

"Ms. B. O'Brien, Franklin County Children Services received a complaint of neglect filed on your behalf. We understand that your parents ignored obvious signs of appendicitis for over 48 hours. Reports indicate that your father watched a World Cup Soccer Game while you writhed in pain up in your bedroom. Please confirm that you were told to "suck it up" and "quit exaggerating". If you feel you can no longer live safely in such an environment please contact our office ..."

"Ms. M. O'Brien, The Upper Arlington Curfew Committee reminds you of the community bylaws governing the whereabouts of minors after 11 pm. Your parents filed affidavits asserting that you assured them you were "at Julianne's" on the night of June 6th, 2010. The web of deceit (involving identical twin twelve year old boys, neighborhood bonfires, and coded text messages) quickly untangled thanks to anonymous community tipsters. Please be advised that UACC parolees Lindsey Lohan and Brittany Spears are available for counseling and support ..."

"Mr. T. O'Brien, The Columbus Catholic Diocese Athletic Board has been asked to review your continued participation in Diocesan athletic events. Opposing coaches complain that you are a head taller than any of your soccer teammates. Given that your parents are of average height and of well below average athletic ability, we find this extremely suspicious. Your obvious aggressiveness on the soccer pitch cannot simply be explained by the daily beatings you receive from your two older sisters (not to mention the constant harassment from your younger one). You will be required to submit to blood and urine testing for anabolic steroids, HGH, Four Loco Cola, and Cinnamon Frosted Chocolate Pop Tarts before and after all events. ."

"Ms. T. O'Brien, We at Universal Gymnastics Institute are frustrated with the level of commitment you display at the kindergarten Asteroid training sessions. We require absolute dedication from our five year olds. You have not delivered. Your insistence on frolicking in the foam pit is an insult to the efforts of those who hold the highest expectations for you. Your parents unwillingness to participate in "mandatory volunteering" (no - we will not acknowledge that this is an oxymoron) at our day-long gymnastics meets is no excuse for you to chronically underachieve ..."

We hope the preceding information reveals the true nature of the O'Brien Family. We can, however, confirm that they wish you and your loved ones a happy and healthy 2011.