Home > Christmas News letters > Parodies > Shumaker

Border of holly leaves

Christmas News Letter Parodies -
Tom Shumaker Copes with His DUI


Christmas News Navigation:

General Suggestions

Best brag

Three short examples

Full-length examples

From me:

01 A practical joke
02 My grandparents die
03 English Tour
04 Barn swallows
05 Buying hubcaps
06 Group photos
07 Mr. Science
08 Backpacking, Middle English
09 Leukemia
10 Comfort Clothes
11 Marmots and Texas
12 Eagle, Turkey and Emu
12 Accident and Hike

From Alert Readers:
01 In the Foothills
02 Excess
03 Things unsaid
04 11 Kids
05 Multiple Choice
06 . . . bit my ear
07 Facts and Stats
08 Neiheisel Review
09 Family and Horses
10 Sing a Song
11 The Professional
2007 Collection
2008 Collection
2009 Collection
2010 Collection
2011 Collection

Parodies:
Erma Bombeck & Martha Stewart
Around the World
Coping with DUI
Defining Pretentious
The 12 McQ's

Other sections on my web site:
Home
Genealogy
Peace Corps
Web Design
Misc. Essays
Homilies
   

[Ed. Note - I don't have the space for the pictures Tom had in his original. I've tried to describe them. Ted.]

Holiday Greetings to all our Dear Friends!!

Tom here! Wow!! 2002 has shaped up to be one of those years for the Shumaker family. So much has happened that itís hard to know where to begin. First, there was that business with the IRS; then the trial, wherein a co-workerís husband accused me of adultery, followed by my third arrest for DUI. And all that happened before June!!

[Fuzzy photo of Tom]

Naturally, Holly no longer wishes to speak to me and who can blame her? But things havenít gone too well for her either, I might add. Her long tenure with the Baltimore Co. PTA came to an end when she was accused of borrowing budget funds to play the slots in Delaware ("I just took the loose change!"). Sheís persona non grata as a substitute teacher now, too, although sheís occasionally booked at the Dundalk Reform School and Rehabilitation Center.

[Photo of Holly in bathrobe, talking on phone, back to camera]

Weíre both still involved in a number of Associations: Iím a member of Al-Anon, Nar-Anon (and several other societies ending in "Anon") and Abstinence is Good!! (An outpatient therapy group for Sex Obsession: Addiction, Treatment and Recovery), among others. Holly remains active in Gamblers Anonymous, Spouses Fight Back ("Donít let him treat you like a door mat! Cheat on him, too!!") and the Society of Housewives Who Work From Home (Envelope Stuffing committee), among others. Weíve thought of going to Family Counseling together, but with all the dues weíre already paying, we canít afford it!!

Speaking of work, thatís been a strange experience, too. After years as a Sales Manager, I was removed from that position because the Company was concerned that I wasnít selling anything. Since I couldnít provide any substantive proof to the contrary, I was given a new position as Director of Sales Communications in a Departmental Reorganization.

When I told everyone about this, they thought I had been promoted (thanks to those of you who sent cards, best wishes and gifts . . . you know who you are!!) Well, to tell you the truth, I was never sure if Iíd been promoted or not. However, last Friday, I was introduced to my new supervisor (itís my Secretary), so I guess I didnít do as well as I had hoped.

[Photo of inflatable snow man]

And our Home remodeling project got somewhat sidetracked. When we went to put the new tub into the kidís bathroom, the rotted floor gave way and everything fell down to the first floor. Now, kids and guests have to shower in the living room. Weíll get the Front and Rear doors reinstalled as soon as the termite and wood beetle infestations have been cleared up!

With all this going on, our oldest son Nicholas has left home and moved to Hollywood. Signed by the William Morris Agency, and now with a new stage name (NICK RYAN), Nicholas is under contract to appear in the next Britney Spears film entitled "The Battle of Midriff" to be produced and released by New Line Cinema. Heíll sing on her new album, too. After that, itís off to Europe for a 6 month tour, performing with N*Sync (heís their new lead singer, replacing Justin Timberlake).

[Studio photo of a smarmy "Boy Band" member from 1990 or so]

Kelly, on the other hand, being a minor, canít leave home to avoid the embarrassment. Heís trapped here, whether he likes it or not. So he insists on appearing in public just like Michael Jacksonís children . . . hooded and unrecognizable. He says he does it so people wonít know that heís our son. Otherwise, heís doing OK . . . nothing great. He lost First Chair in the Symphonic Band when he goosed the instructor with his flute and was suspended from the wrestling team for a few days when he pulled a groin muscle (someone elseís!)

[Photo of adolescent boy, bare-chested, arms crossed, Santa hat pulled over his eyes, radiating disgust.]

Despite all this, we feel we have much to be thankful for - we havenít come down with Tuberculosis or Hepatitis B yet, for example. Weíll all be better off in 2003, when the Witness Protection Program kicks in and we assume new identities and relocate to parts unknown!! Maybe youíll be as lucky!!

ANYWAY, BEST WISHES FOR A WONDERFUL HOLIDAY and A VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Tom, Holly and Kelly

For a Nick Ryan Autograph, please send $35 and an SASE to POB 28856, LA, CA 98022

This is one page of over four dozen devoted to Christmas news letters. The main Christmas News Letters page has links to more examples, plus some general guidelines and specific suggestions for writing Christmas news letters. If you have an example, either good or bad, that you'd like to share with the rest of the world, send it to me and I'll add it to these pages.



Problems, comments or complaints? Need an opinion? Send E-mail to:
This page updated: June 21, 2014